I registered 0 on acts of service because it turns out I feel like the division of labor is kind of separate from love. This is just a small sample of questions you should know the answer to before marrying someone. There will be conflicts over chores; count on it. Your budget should take into account your saving goals. Are either of you willing to change your mind about certain deal breakers? With their precious vacation time they wanted to go somewhere exciting and exotic to make the most of their infrequent time with their kids. So I kind of have to adjust my expectations and realize that I can do those kinds of things because it makes me feel good to do them, but not to expect a huge reaction. Do you plan to keep working after we get married? Their goals for retirement Retirement might seem well far off, but your life together as a married couple will fly by much faster than you realize.
One less source of conflict will leave you with more energy for more constructive uses of your time. Kids Similar to a discussion about goals, one of the biggest investment decisions couples can make is whether or not you want to expand your family. My natural way of showing people love is through acts of service look! You may want to sit him down and actually spell it out, just to be on the safe side. Do you have more schooling and apprenticing to finish? However, it can cause a huge wedge in relationships. Do you plan to keep trading houses as you can afford it? Expectations for caring for elderly parents? How many would you find ideal, and when? Life will fucking punch you in the stomach sometimes. Will you stay where you are permanently or would you like to move to a different place? How will we protect our time, guard our emotions, and prevent our bodies from negative interactions with others? If not, that opens a whole new can of worms: what will your living expenses be after marriage? Partners may find it easy to connect on certain aspects of culture, hard on others, and somewhere in between on the rest. For one couple this may mean sex toys and role-playing while for another it may mean having an open marriage.
But eventually, our own habits may remain what we're most comfortable with — and if our partner's style continues to be quite different, what used to be enticing may turn downright annoying. What you really need to know is: Do you love me? This is no easy task, but absolutely doable with practice and intention. Or perhaps you want to travel with your spouse for a few years before settling down. I think it is just as important how you work through talking about these issues as it is to talk about them. Divorces happen when one or both partners decides that the marriage is no longer worth the work.
Share your career dreams, even if they seem like pipe dreams. What's the point of being a couple if you can't talk openly about sex? They only went on vacations to visit other relatives. The key is making sure you're both okay with how much time you spend apart, which is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. I strongly encourage you to have separate credit cards. Why do you want to marry me? There will be aspects of our past experiences that we want to re-create, as well as things that we want to do very differently.
Do you both expect to support the family financially and will that be different when kids arrive? What kind of sex life will we be having? But that's a whole other story. When they haven't had enough sleep, when their parent has a health scare, when they get an exorbitant parking ticket, or when they have to call customer service for a defective product? Maybe you have a dream to get a degree down the road. This might be dumb sounding, but we took the 5 love languages quiz together, and the apology quiz by the same guy. We went through the church because it was easiest, I tuned out during the ~25% Jesus stuff, and most of the rest was pretty helpful. From big ways — he is used to four or five hours of golf on weekends, or she wants to continue to occasionally go on weekend getaways alone — to small ones — she needs 10 minutes of pre-coffee silence in the morning, or he likes to work out by himself, not with her. Again, you can only know so much in advance, but it is a good idea to have a basic understanding of what you and your partner expect from one another.
If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area and are interested in individual or couples therapy I invite you to contact me via email at: This post was originally published on September 28, 2017. If one of you doesn't like to talk about it at 2 a. What are your spending habits? Even the deepest love can't prevent certain conflicts over decades of living together: It's how you anticipate those conflicts and how you're willing to work on them that will determine whether your can go the distance. Partners from a similar ethnic background may have grown up speaking different languages at home. Finding things you love together will keep you together. His parents have offered to cover all our medical expenses. Do you like to go camping or clubbing? Great post and thank you fro sharing.
Are your dreams similar to your partners or are you worlds apart? How will your respective careers affect family life? It's important to dig deeper. Experience is the best teacher and there is always a first for everything… but if you want a longer life and not die of poisoning or some freak accident at least know half of the basics before thinking of getting married. Who will complete the taxes? Can I trust you with my feelings? I advise 5 bank accounts Long term, short term, joint, and each gets their own. As sexual communication skills improve, so will the quality of your relationship. I like the questions you present, especially about parents and in-laws. With that being said, not all couples are talking about the important topics. It would not work in the long run.
But when one person has a solidified vision and the other wants to stay open or changes their mind, that can spell disaster. Where do you want to put roots down? You can hardly lay the blame on them. I had clients who got married in Sept 2015 and are already divorced because he was a staunch Republican Trump supporter and she was a free-spirited liberal Bernie or bust. Rock, Paper, Scissors Lizard, Spock competition? Maybe you want kids but your main aspiration is making a large impact on the world. You will see it in many couples that have only been together for a few years though. Do you have any debt and how are you going to pay it off? For all of these reasons, money can be a complicated topic. Will you set aside one night just to be together alone to catch up with each other and have fun? So they would spend hours fixing things, preparing meals, cutting hair or otherwise doing things for themselves rather than pay someone to do it.
How are we as roommates? How will you deal with household or yard maintenance? They key is, talk about these things before getting married. Being a writer was my pipe dream and my husband always supported that dream, even though it meant taking a significant financial hit. Can you see yourself as part of them? Your spouse or significant other is your partner in living your dream and vice versa. That can be amazing, but it can also be very challenging, especially if you interact with your family very differently than your partner interacts with theirs. Do you agree to have full financial disclosure about each of your personal financial situation at all times? Discuss this before getting married. The chores that we each do has varied by location and changed when we had each child.
We have two wonderful adult children and seven beautiful grandchildren — and yes, we are still very much in love. Money is often tied up with all kinds of emotional importance, and it can carry the weight of its association with everything from freedom to security to autonomy to power and status. If you plan to have kids, what religion, if any, do you want to raise them in? Raising a child with another person is perhaps one of the most fun and challenging adventures a couple will have together. The children may feel a fear of betraying the other parent and see you as a usurper. Are you the type of person who likes to vacation with your family, and if so, how often? Children We have all heard the obvious questions. Share Tweet Copy Link Copied So you and your partner are thinking about getting married. It matters more what we think, right? Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog.